Hey there!

I love chaos, and here’s why.

Growing up, I was never decisive about what I wanted to become. If you’d asked eight-year-old me, my dream was to be an American singer who could belly dance — my inner oriental Hannah Montana. Then came my space era, where I kept a notebook filled with handwritten physics formulas, convinced that memorizing them would one day take me to space. High school? Total confusion. My future was (still is, and will be) in constant flux.

College began at home in Istanbul, Turkey, in a masked and hand-sanitized world. Zoom life and loneliness made decision-making more daunting, not to mention the anxiety-inducing inquiries from my parents and family about my plans. Yet, I chose chaos again. I quickly became a member of a finance club and started mentoring high school students. I took courses in psychology, economics, literature, neuroscience, biology, computer science, history, and anthropology. I volunteered at hospitals, interned at Pfizer in the business assessment department, conducted research in proteomics at the Jovanovic Lab, and taught biology as a TA.

I was a bit lost, to say the least. However, my open-mindedness and eagerness to try new things allowed me to discover my true interests in molecular biology, physiology, medicine, and education. After a chaotic yet rewarding four years, I graduated summa cum laude from Columbia University with Honors in Biology on the pre-medical track. I will be working worked as a Research Associate at the Broad Institute in the Cancer Proteomics and Cell Signaling Lab.

Turns out, there’s a method to my madness. (2024)

Turns out, there is no method. (2026)

After writing these words in the summer following my graduation in 2024, I thought there was some certainty in my life. I had half-heartedly convinced myself of the truth of my accomplishments with some good numbers and academic awards (an artifact of being a type A student in an education system that tends to reward the academically-inclined). I had a job lined up at one of the world’s leading academic research institutions. I loved the idea of Boston’s calm and “old” charm after the bustling and restless energy of New York City. All I had to do was be successful at my job, get involved with a lot of projects, find opportunities to publish manuscripts, and strengthen my medical school application. Two years passed quickly. I was frustrated at work. My expectations of constant learning and mentorship were not met. Mistakes were made and not well-received by leadership.

At one point, I began to question if all this trouble, anxiety, and disappointment were worth it.

It really wasn’t.

It’s interesting that this realization didn’t just come with an ‘it is what it is’ resignation, but also with learning to find aspects of an unfortunate experience that meant something for me - even just a little.

First, the people. I am not sure what I would do if I didn’t have my peers and fellow RAs whom I constantly interacted with in both the lab and at the office. They became friends, yes, but also my academic, scientific, and professional mentors more than any senior supervisor I worked for.

And, most importantly, who I am outside of work. I should never (ever) resist my musicality, the burning feeling to be on stage, the desire to scribble down a few pretty words as I write my “cringe” song. And I should never (ever) not follow the itch to simply attempt. Try and fail. Try and despise. Try and loveee. I picked up yoga (don’t roll your eyes). I started doing pottery (don’t roll your eyes). I am learning the guitar (don’t roll your eyes). Yes, maybe some of these new interests will fade, but it’s actually better that some things simply don’t stick.

Sometimes moving on is bliss.

Just to be clear, these two gap/growth years weren’t all gloomy and bitter. Six years of throbbing later, I can actually feel my frontal lobe has matured significantly. And it’s a good thing it has: I’m starting medical school soon. So here’s hoping it keeps growing into whatever room it has left.

One more thing, for whenever I update this site…Here’s something I want to put down as a reminder to myself, and maybe for you strangers or stalkers who found your way to my little page:

“Take your work seriously, but don’t take yourself seriously” - credits to Amy Poehler who quotes this often on her podcast Good Hang.